Getting closer to d-day

As the day of my departure and arrival at the PCT draws closer, I get more nervous. I know thi is my last shot. I only have one more chance to do this. To be honest, I an almost scared. Very few times in my life am I truely scared. But this is a little nerve racking. I feel that I am more ready than I've ever been, but at the same time, I've grown comfortable with the little life I've led in the past year, and I know that I am going into uncertainty and inconvience, pain, and weariness. I think I need it though. Maybe I can find that peace I've been searching for, for so many years. Or maybe I'll just quit and go back to my old job and be miserable. Whatever happens I know that I have to dig deep. I have to find that drive I once had and push harder than I've had to in my civilian life. My parents do not approve of what I am doing of course. My dad especially, but I feel I need to do this. I haven't felt the need to get their approval in years it really doesn't matter how they feel about this. But I need to do it.

I must go

I sit here thinking about my next step. My next adventure and what it entails. It's a bit unnerving and I'm a bit terrified of the possibility that I might fail. But I can't stay here doing nothing. I haven't scaled mountains and crossed deserts and oceans, been to many different countries by sitting at home working a nine to five. There is a HUGH world out there and I have barely seen a fraction of it. I have seen so many mountains and the land from the top if those mountains. I've seen the curvature of the earth before, you don't walk away from that and not be moved. There is so much to bee seen and done. There is no reason to sit home and do nothing. I must go. I must explore.

No Quitting

I feel I need to try the PCT again because I am afraid that there is quit in me.  In my youth I never quit when it got rough.  I fought on and struggled but always finished no matter how hard it was.  Its the reason I was able to survive in the Marines. In boot camp, I struggled but i never quit.  I never gave in and I pushed myself hard and farther than I thought I could.  And now I dont feel that. I feel that I Have gone soft and that I couldn't finish it even if I really wanted it.  I need to prove to myself that I have that drive. That passion and motivation to push myself again.  That I wont quit when it gets tough and when I am tired and exhausted. I have to do this to prove to myself that I am no quitter.  If you quit at one thing, then there'll be another and another and the next thing you know you've quit at life!

Anticipation, Apprehension, Achievements and Attack!

Its been quite a few years since I've posted on this blog.  So I figured I mint as well start again.  I think the last time I wrote in this was in 2010, after I had come back from Iraq.  Well, heres to new beginnings and new blogs.  I have a bit of anticipation and apprehension about my next move.  I'm going to quit my job again and try to hike as much as I can on the Pacific Crest Trail again this year.  Really I have nothing better to do. I was trying to get in to the fire department But that fell thru. So with the end to that, its time to wander again. I think I have come to realize that I love to wander.  I am instilled with the westward spirit. Even if my my family doesn't like it. They want me to settle and marry and start reproducing.  Get a 9 to five job and work the rest of my life even though i don't feel that i am ready.  I am now 31 years old but that makes no difference.  Its society's agenda that we should marry young, get a job and start having kids.  But at the moment thats not for me.  I have only been to about 14 or 15 countries in a world of over 250!  I have barely made a dent!  I have on the other hand been to 46 of the 50 United States. I have sailed the Pacific Ocean and seen far away lands and people.  I have seen the stars over the ocean, shining brightly enough over the water to make it almost seem like dawn.  I have seen the Milky Way spread across the sky in a line that could be seen as far as the eye could see.  I have witnessed a 22 hour day in Northern Alaska and Canada.  I have been in the Northern Yukon and seen bears as large as cars.  I have sailed the Panama Canal and the Atlantic Ocean along the Eastern seaboard.  This world is too big to sit at home and work in an office or a shitty job day in and day out for the rest of my life.  I do not feel my adventuring days are over.  On the contrary, they have only just begun!  There is a saying "You are not out the fight until the fight is out of you".  Well I am not out of the fight yet.  so my next plan of attack is to try the PCT again.  I know that I won't finish it.  I have already understood that.  My goal is just to ride out the summer hiking and being free.  If I make it to the end, then so be it.  other wise just keep going until the season ends.  Or until the fight is out of me.  Now I'm just waiting for my little sister to graduate.  For my apartment lease to end and deuces! on that note, I am proud of my little sister.  She will be graduating from high school in the next month, with no need for summer school or extra schooling like my brother and I. She has a good head on her shoulders, even if sometimes she stresses me out to no end.  She knows what she wants to do in the short term, go to college, get a certificate in cosmetology so that she can pay for her own schooling and get a degree in Music.  She knows what she wants in life.  And thats more than her two older brothers knew when graduation time came.  To be honest, I still dont know what I want out of this life.  I'm just going along until I find something worth sticking around for.  girlfriends don't last (i Know thats mainly my fault), I always feel coped up and start to hate my jobs (that just me getting bored) and I hate the city.  so i must go.  But this time I feel nervous about it. I am starting to think about all the things that can happen and what i might be doing to mess up.  But I guess thats good cause before it was just throw caution into the wind and go and I royally screwed up then.  Its good that I feel this way.  And I also know now not to give up.  I can't just go a couple of days then quit cause its hard. I'm giving up too much to do that.  I will have to push myself. I will have to dig deep once again as i did in the military and drive on.  Its going to be a tough long road, but then again, no road to victory is short and easy!

Memories....

i see a picture i don't want to see. or remember a feeling i don't want to remember. and it still hurts. why can't i let it go, why can't i get past this? is it gonna hurt forever. until my dying days am i going to long for it? how come its sticks so long in my heart? its been 5 fucking years! it should be gone. it doesn't hurt this bad for friends and family that have died more recently. i know that what i want is only a few short miles west, but I might as well be on the dark side of the moon. why does this feeling keep coming back to me? please God, why does it hurt so much? why do you still taunt me with what i can not have?! is that why i need to constantly run away from here. my need to keep drifting to new places and pushing myself beyond my abilities. is it this thing inside my head and heart that drives me to the ends of the world, and i know, eventually, to the end of my life?! I'm gonna keep searching the farthest corners of the dark recesses of our society in order to find what i lost. but damn it! why can't i seem to find something to fill this big hole in my heart. what do i need? what is it? where do i find it? what quest do i need to venture on, to complete this broken piece in me? please God, i'm begging you with all that in inside me, release me from my torment. let these feelings die so that i can be at peace. give me the strength i need to move on. Lord i beg of you, give me the strength to carry on in peace. God, I'm begging you, i'm pleading from the very depths of my soul, let me be free of this. unshackle me from this boulder i drag behind me. i don't want this burden anymore. why did i have to join the miltary and leave what i wanted behind. why did i volunteer so many times to help others when it cost me so much? why does this hurt so much....

Wow

Its been about 5 months since i have written on this damn thing but a few things have happened. i managed to get out of debt, i traveled through a few more countries, i made new friends, i lost some weight and i shaved off my goatee, i bought a truck and found a new job! its interesting how the slightest change in you life can have such a big impact on the future. thats why i never regretted any decision i have made. cause it all led me up to this point