Memories....

i see a picture i don't want to see. or remember a feeling i don't want to remember. and it still hurts. why can't i let it go, why can't i get past this? is it gonna hurt forever. until my dying days am i going to long for it? how come its sticks so long in my heart? its been 5 fucking years! it should be gone. it doesn't hurt this bad for friends and family that have died more recently. i know that what i want is only a few short miles west, but I might as well be on the dark side of the moon. why does this feeling keep coming back to me? please God, why does it hurt so much? why do you still taunt me with what i can not have?! is that why i need to constantly run away from here. my need to keep drifting to new places and pushing myself beyond my abilities. is it this thing inside my head and heart that drives me to the ends of the world, and i know, eventually, to the end of my life?! I'm gonna keep searching the farthest corners of the dark recesses of our society in order to find what i lost. but damn it! why can't i seem to find something to fill this big hole in my heart. what do i need? what is it? where do i find it? what quest do i need to venture on, to complete this broken piece in me? please God, i'm begging you with all that in inside me, release me from my torment. let these feelings die so that i can be at peace. give me the strength i need to move on. Lord i beg of you, give me the strength to carry on in peace. God, I'm begging you, i'm pleading from the very depths of my soul, let me be free of this. unshackle me from this boulder i drag behind me. i don't want this burden anymore. why did i have to join the miltary and leave what i wanted behind. why did i volunteer so many times to help others when it cost me so much? why does this hurt so much....

Wow

Its been about 5 months since i have written on this damn thing but a few things have happened. i managed to get out of debt, i traveled through a few more countries, i made new friends, i lost some weight and i shaved off my goatee, i bought a truck and found a new job! its interesting how the slightest change in you life can have such a big impact on the future. thats why i never regretted any decision i have made. cause it all led me up to this point